my eyes are wide open today....

I've been in a funk, so to speak.  I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong with me...but, as I suspected, there was a multitude of things going on in my life.  He asked me the other day if I could be having depression issues..I told him I wasn't feeling depressed although I was most content in bed with my IPAD and was the most content at home...this did not feel like the clinical depression I've fought for 12 years...Last night I decided to go ahead and take the full dose of medication previously prescribed for me.  I had tapered it down with the blessing of the doctor although she had kept my pharmacy prescription the same...I think it did the trick and was the last shoe for me to drop in order to feel good again.  I made some other changes too...I spent a good 2 hours last night mindlessly playing computer games and listening to some old music I had downloaded.  If you are reading this and have known me forever, I'm speaking of Maranatha and David Reynolds.  It is very healing and soothing for me.  the other big change I made was ending a friendship.

I've been feeling very taken advantage by this friendship and had tapered off on my communication.  This woman and I did not seek each other out for friendship it just happened as a mutual friend thing.  Our mutual friend passed which brought us closer together...Lots of water under the dam...I found myself reacting to her the way I reacted to my mother...talk talk talk she always had an opinion about the way I treated him, the way I dressed, the way I should be doing things...she brought out at one of my daughter's bridal showers in front of the entire room that I didn't really like that daughter when she was younger...WHAT?  are YOU KIDDING ME...WHO DOES THIS.  I never did not like my daughter...she and I just danced around each other when she was a teenager.  Anyway...I realized this relationship was causing me a lot more anxiety than I needed.  The kicker was I had been hearing things she had been saying about me...unflattering things..these things were being said to someone very close to me..it was starting to feel ugly and I was feeling hateful...In the past, I would have continued to suck it up so as not to cause waves or hurt someone else's feelings...that was in the past.  I feel cleansed..for taking care of myself and removing myself from the discomfort.

Onward and Upward!

June 5th, 2013, 12:23 pm

Now I know

She totally reminds me of my mother...I've been trying to figure it out...why my throttle seems to be erratic.  Talk, talk, talk, talk...minimum self responsibility/maximum victim.
Who knew finding a new blog home could cause such an upheaval of emotions..it's not that I don't have other things to think about and worry about..but this finding a new home has become a compulsion...even though MB/EmmyBee/Skanickadee has wisely reminded me that a decision doesn't have to be made right away.
My feelings:  unsettled, irritable, not in control, angry

I really did not think buying our future house and making the decision to retire would have any impact on my life.  Oh the retirement thing..yes..I guess I knew I would be doing the countdown of lasts...my last memorial day, my last 4th of July, the last month I will only have 1 weekend off...but I didn't think I would give much thought to the rest of it...after all, I have a year left (had).

I'm different.  I'm distracted.  My priorities have changed.  I HAVE NOT PLANTED FLOWERS YET!

Before we moved to this house, I pretty much had perennial flower beds and perhaps spent $25 on some annuals to spice up the color.  In the 3 years we have lived here, I've been slowly working to get the beds self sustaining but have some pots and one little triangular space along the driveway that I was going to put stone around and get a bed started.  Oh..I think about it..but it is not important to me.  When I back out of the driveway, I remember that I should do it and I want to do it right then...but it just takes too much energy to plan it and do it.  I haven't really had much time off when it hasn't been raining...so that may be the primary reason I haven't added color to my life?  Don't know.


I have to go back to work tomorrow...blech.  This is not the last time I will have that thought.

Until next time....

After we left Kansas City yesterday, the kids took Jaxon for a family picture and his 1 month pictures....I totally laughed out loud when they sent me this one.  The apple doesn't fall from the tree!  Anyone who knows Justin will understand.

Very sad news followed shortly after that Jaxon's great grand dad on the Callaghan side passed Sunday afternoon.

 I have been suffering from a lot of angst about my hair.  It's not like this is one of the important things in life...I usually only think about it when I look in the mirror and wonder aloud...who? what the? oh my!  I sent this picture to Mandy - my "beauty operator" at the "hair parlor" to see if we might be able to add some depth to my personality my coloring the bottom layer of my hair.  I KNOW I KNOW..this is why I quit coloring and went gray/white...but I kind of like this look and quite frankly, I like this cut....and if I could lose the 2nd chin and have these voluptuous lips, I would be very happy...

Do you think it is possible that I'm a different person blogging just because I'm on blogger and not on xanga?

Until next time....

Leaving Xanga.com and finding a new home for the blog has "puttin' me in a mood".  But I'm here now.  Learning a new way.  It will be fine.  I have some friends over here already.  I'm still going to sign off with...Until next time.  I should probably change it up but there has been enough "change" for one night.