Thursday, June 6, 2013

my eyes are wide open today....

I've been in a funk, so to speak.  I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong with me...but, as I suspected, there was a multitude of things going on in my life.  He asked me the other day if I could be having depression issues..I told him I wasn't feeling depressed although I was most content in bed with my IPAD and was the most content at home...this did not feel like the clinical depression I've fought for 12 years...Last night I decided to go ahead and take the full dose of medication previously prescribed for me.  I had tapered it down with the blessing of the doctor although she had kept my pharmacy prescription the same...I think it did the trick and was the last shoe for me to drop in order to feel good again.  I made some other changes too...I spent a good 2 hours last night mindlessly playing computer games and listening to some old music I had downloaded.  If you are reading this and have known me forever, I'm speaking of Maranatha and David Reynolds.  It is very healing and soothing for me.  the other big change I made was ending a friendship.

I've been feeling very taken advantage by this friendship and had tapered off on my communication.  This woman and I did not seek each other out for friendship it just happened as a mutual friend thing.  Our mutual friend passed which brought us closer together...Lots of water under the dam...I found myself reacting to her the way I reacted to my mother...talk talk talk she always had an opinion about the way I treated him, the way I dressed, the way I should be doing things...she brought out at one of my daughter's bridal showers in front of the entire room that I didn't really like that daughter when she was younger...WHAT?  are YOU KIDDING ME...WHO DOES THIS.  I never did not like my daughter...she and I just danced around each other when she was a teenager.  Anyway...I realized this relationship was causing me a lot more anxiety than I needed.  The kicker was I had been hearing things she had been saying about me...unflattering things..these things were being said to someone very close to me..it was starting to feel ugly and I was feeling hateful...In the past, I would have continued to suck it up so as not to cause waves or hurt someone else's feelings...that was in the past.  I feel cleansed..for taking care of myself and removing myself from the discomfort.

Onward and Upward!